I've been thinking about the Christmas Season the past few weeks. I haven't been thinking about holding a hot drink, wearing adorable snow boots with a knit cap, and shopping with friends. I haven't been thinking about where I hid presents, or wondering if I forgot someone. I've been thinking about my relationship with Christmas. I have been increasingly jealous of seeing families out laughing, and enjoying the beautiful twinkle of the lights that our world is wrapped in during this time of the year. I want that, and I keep grasping for it but it keeps slipping away.
I can decorate my home, I can make it smell like Christmas. You know that smell I'm referring to, the general cinnamon, light vanilla, and cardamon. Basically the Holiday scent from Bath & Body Works. I can put presents under the tree. I can go through all of the motions, but there is never the feeling of Christmas inside. When you look at peoples faces that have that feeling, you know they have it. I want that.
That's what I want. That's what I'm looking for. That's what I'm trying to find.
That's what I'm running around manically hoping to uncover. That feeling.
Where do you find it? How do you get it? For me it basically boils down to throwing away all of the 'memories' and experiences of Christmases I've had in the past and start new. So many things I should have learned as a child that I didn't have the opportunity to learn. Now as an adult I get the "joyous" opportunity to learn those things. First on the list as of now (but not the first I've accomplished) is finding my own Christmas. Learn how to feel Christmas in my soul and have it shine on my face, in my own way.