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This is my space. I keep forgetting about it. Actually - I don't forget about it, it terrifies me. Having a space where I can write, a place that I can be real and honest, a place where I can feel "safe" scares me. There are so many things that I wish I could sit here and type out. Just to write and be real and feel heard. I'm still working on that. I'm still working on a lot of things, perhaps that's where I should start.
2018 is supposed the be the year of saying yes to me, saying no to anything I'm doubting or don't want to do. Listening to myself. Learning to believe in myself. Learning to trust myself. I've never believed in myself. I hardly listen to myself. I definitely don't trust myself. It's February now and I'm still trying to figure out how to do the smallest amount of any of those things.
Listening to myself. This might be the trickiest one. It's hard to listen to yourself when you have no idea who that person is. I suppose I need to learn who that person is.
STEP ONE : LEARN WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON
Believe in yourself. Those people that are so confident that they intimidate people? The people that can walk into a room and command attention? I want to be that person. I know some may think, "why would anyone want to be like that?". I cannot answer the why - all I know is I want that. I want that confidence. I want that presence. I feel it inside. I feel that burning inside, the desire. I usually stomp it out (or down) as I'm so worried that people will see it as 'wrong' or tell me, "That's not who you are". They don't know me, they think they do but if I don't even know me, how do they?
STEP TWO : BE TRUE TO YOUR DESIRES
Trust yourself. This ties in with the above. Don't shove the instincts away. Don't question your first reaction. I have instincts I trust (perhaps too much) except those instincts always concern the people around me, never myself. I trust things I feel and infer from other people 1000% and things I desire and feel in regards to myself 0%. That needs to balance out.
STEP THREE : GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCT
Seems so simple on paper. So simple. Three little steps. They aren't that little though are they? A wise person once told me even if it seems big inside, or too big to think about just write it down. So I wrote it down. Does it seem any ounce lighter? Yes, a little bit. Does it still seem overwhelming? Yes. Having it all sorted out with a plan makes it seem manageable.
Learn Who You Are . Be True to Your Desires . Go With Your First Instinct
You can make it. You will make it. You can do this.