My mind is over cluttered. My house is over cluttered (that's a story for another day). I'm not fulfilled in my life. I have pondered for weeks (realistically probably months) on writing this post. Trying to put my words into type, my heart into black and white. It was either be vulnerable, or close out my site. I don't post as much as I want because of fear. People that I actually know in my real world have access to this, what would they think? Say? I'm learning it doesn't matter.
"Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don't mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. The new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open"
I've been too scared, too overwhelmed with hundreds of imaginary outcomes for every possible situations. I set goals for myself this year, I promised myself to do and be better. I have been. I've stuck to my smaller building block goals, one of which is to honestly journal about my day and the progress I feel I've made. Last night I realized I'm doing just enough to check the box, but not enough to actually make a difference. Growing up this would have been called 'half-assed' or the 'bare minimum'. I'm better than that. Inside I know I'm better, stronger than that. I can do what I put my mind to, I just have to do it. I haven't because of fear.
I'm scared of life. I'm scared of what I could be. I'm scared of what lies beyond those walls I crave to tear down but am terrified to see. I see success stories everywhere I turn. movies, friends, shows, books. You name the situation and it's a success story. I don't do. I just sit, I want to do. There are so many things I want to do. Things I know would fire up that spark, light that fire but I don't do them. My brain has been over cluttered with plans and want to's that I can't actually do. I'm not stepping away from planning, I just found a new way that works for me for this year. A simpler less cluttered way.
I don't know what my purpose of writing this is, or what I'm trying to get out. I feel fed up enough with myself to just jump in. I can wait til the end of the world for my life to be what I want and what I envision but it won't happen if you just wait. You have to do, you have to make the changes. You want a productive day? You're not just going to wake up in the morning feeling great and refreshed and ready to go. You have to continually wake up and do until it becomes natural. The unnatural is uncomfortable, it's nothing we want to do. The unnatural is outside of our comfort zone. You want change? You have to step outside of the comfort zone, you have to move past it. You can't think about it, you just have to do what you say you're going to do.
I have bad habits that need to go by the wayside, I have dreams I want to achieve. I know what will cause me to have a fulfilled life and only I can un-clutter my brain, my house, my plans and get there. It is up to me, and only me. I can have my own success story, if I'm willing to climb those terrifying walls, push past the fear, and just move forward on my own journey - not one that people think I should take or should be on.
What it boils down to is I'm scared to hear someone say, "That's not who you are". Maybe I was that person of me back then, but I'm not that version of myself now. Everyone changes daily, every second someone makes a new choice that determines who they are and where they are choosing to go. You never know who someone truly is. You know who you are, and that's all that matters. So this year, it's uncluttering all of that things that are holding me back, in both my mind and my home and moving forward.
Stop planning, thinking, wishing, and just start doing.